Attack of the 50 Foot Pig Bacteria: An Imprecise Perspective

Below is an article from a major news outlet regarding the always looming, death dealing, mild head cold with perhaps a bit of nausea known as swine flu. As many of you know, swine flu is no longer an issue as Calen and I cured it while traveling through Central America. But they continue to have fear mongering reports about the disease in all different forms of media. And since my readership is roughly the same size as the BBC news outlet, I have no choice but to do my part to combat ignorance and enlighten the masses.

So the Article is below, in its entirety. Except it has been edited for accuracy and I've added a series of facts, most of which I've made up on the spot, but some of which are kind of true. If you scour with a fine tooth comb, between me and the original author, you might even find one or two things that are completely true. Objectivity in reporting however, is out of the question.

US swine flu deaths 'near 4,000'

Swine flu has killed nearly 4,000 people in the US, including 540 children, officials said after devising a new counting method. The new counting method involved putting a 3rd grade public school student in an examination room, seeing how high he could count before he got distracted by cotton balls and tongue depressors and lost track. The resulting number was the new US death toll. The number for the child death toll was arrived at in the same fashion, except the count was performed by a 2nd year medical student.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said the new system is based on more precise figures provided by 10 states. They failed to realize that there are 50 states in the nation prior to this article going to print. When asked to comment on the issue, an official from the CDC who spoke on the condition of anonymity said, "eh, whatever."

The previous estimated death toll from the H1N1 virus in the US was 672. This number is also the international dialing code for Antarctica, the place where penguin researchers were asked to guess how many people had died from swine flu. After responding, "Is that real?" Most of them said 672 and returned to watching penguins throw up in each other's mouths. It was highly scientific. The statistical analysis, not the puke. Well, the puke, too.

Latest figures show about 22 million Americans contracted the virus in six months with some 98,000 hospitalised. This figure is also suspect, since both the CDC and the WHO have stated (admitted) that there is no distinguishable difference in the symptoms between H1N1 and any other type of flu. The only way to tell is to have blood samples sent in for testing. At the time of writing of this article, 0% of Americans had functioning medical coverage, so further testing would have been impossible. The 98,000 who have been hospitalised existed in the scope of what is referred to as immunocompromised individuals. Their hospitalisation was the result of aggravation of preexisting conditions, not necessarily the H1N1 virus.

"This is just the first six months and I am expecting all of these numbers, unfortunately, to continue to rise," said Dr Anne Schuchat of the CDC. She speculates that as the medical students and 3rd graders are fed more and more Ritalin, their ability to "count high will increase, resulting in greater death tolls." They have considered adding a counting chimpanzee to the tests as sort of a bonus statistic. Actual details regarding the bonus statistic have not yet been released. But it has been stated that it will be "fun and exciting."

She said that, although still imprecise, the new statistics provide "a bigger picture of what has been going on in the first six months of the pandemic". The bubonic plague caused by the amazingly resilient vector, rattus rattus, and different strains of the bacterium plasmodium was a pandemic. During that outbreak, Mongols hurled the diseased bodies of the dead over city walls during sieges. Until someone catapults a dead body (confirmed to have died from H1N1, which is impossible) over someone's fence, the swine flu outbreak should be downgraded to a hyped-up annoyance/profiteer's fairy tale. It is a bitter commentary on journalistic and scientific society when a sentence can start with the sentiment that this stuff is "imprecise" and then end with something like but we're gonna release the statistics anyway to give everyone an imprecise view "of the bigger picture." We must be the stupidest people on Earth if this passes as a statement of substance. Go ahead, read the first sentence of the paragraph again. It's like saying "virtually spotless." It means nothing.

The CDC now estimates that 3,900 people in the US have died from the virus in the past six months. We've repeated the number, a different number just to be a little clearer and to make sure that you get the idea that people are fucking dying left and right. It's like Hiroshima out there. Writing "almost 4000" instead of 3900 as an estimation makes the fake disease seem like a bigger killer. Plus 4000 is easier to remember than 3900. And as we've demonstrated amply, objectivity and accuracy are not really primary concerns.

Four times higher

Dr Schuchat said that in children under 18, an estimated eight million have had swine flu, with 36,000 hospitalised and 540 deaths. If you're 18 and you have lost all your baby teeth, the disease has a harder time binding to your cells. So you shouldn't worry about the disease and just continue to focus on the order of TRL's countdown and purchase whatever items you see on The Hills. Unless you have child onset diabetes from all this "food" we've been selling you over the years. Then you should probably just OD on insulin before the big bad swine flu can get you.

The new estimated death toll for children is four times higher than the previous estimate. Breaking news: We have just learned that this is the bonus count. the chimps figures act as multipliers. It's like biological Plinko, and everyone's a winner. Everyone who doesn't die of an imaginary disease.

"We will be updating the toll that the pandemic has taken... about every three to four weeks," she said. These updates will be slightly reminiscent of the ambiguous terror level alerts instituted by the Bush administration. If there is a just and loving God these constant and unnecessary updates will fade similarly into the background. They will be utilizing a new bi-color system where the substrate color will represent the total death toll, while the color of the overlay pattern will represent the child death toll, and the type of overlay will convey how many doses of swine flu vaccine are currently available in the U.S. For example, a chartruese warning with pink polka dots indicates that the death rate is between 16 thousand and 47 billion with between 14 thousand and 29 billion of those being persons who have not yet seen the onset of armpit hair and awkward feelings about their bodies. The polka dots indicate that there are only 15 doses of swine flu left in the U.S. Pink stripes however, would indicate a similar risk to children with an availability of 97 doses of swine flu vaccine. The system is admittedly "imprecise," except for the number of vaccines available, which is inventoried and controlled without error by a team of supercomputers working in conjunction with robots working in conjunction with humans. Commodity must be watched carefully.

Dr Schuchat added that 41.6 million more doses of swine flu vaccine had been made available on Thursday for distribution around the country. Finally, the point of any good article. There is something you need to purchase. Not to be in fashion, but to be alive. Well, to be in fashion also.

However, delivery remained far below initial estimates and expectations, she said. Sales are suffering. Hence, this brilliantly composed article of pertinent facts. Scientists have found that swine flu, it turns out, was caused by low sales of avian influenza (H5N1) vaccine. If the swine flu trend flops, there is a rare strain of gecko flu ready to nail North America next summer. The vaccine has already been discovered.

The global death toll from the flu pandemic passed the 6,000 mark last week according to figures from the World Health Organization. Which is to say that the disease has far and away decided to affect U.S. citizens with expendable income at a greater rate than the rest of the world where the average person lives on $2 a day. What an economically minded strain of flu! It's almost as if it knows those other people won't be able to afford the vaccine after the company that manufactures it finishes their expensive marketing campaign. So it doesn't bother to infect them at all. Besides, they already have their hands full with deaths as a result of cured and treatable diseases. Let's put this in perspective. There are more or less 200 countries in the world. A single country, the U.S., has cornered the market on swine flu deaths at an "imprecise" rate of almost 67%. Historically, the U.S. has always maintained an unequal share of the world's resources. Why should a deadly fake disease be any different?

The virus emerged in Mexico in April and was declared a global flu pandemic on 11 June. Two months to pandemic. One country south of the U.S. Sounds like marketing. The other country with initial cases was Canada. It's like there was a disease sandwich and the U.S. was the meat. The healthy meat, that would in short time catch the flu and die at a disproportionate rate.

Cases are currently surging in the northern hemisphere with the onset of colder weather. And why wouldn't they. Remember the last time the U.S. had a surge? I think a lot of people died in that one as well. Only they were Iraqi and weren't buying, so it was OK.