And here's one more picture of him simulating what he looked like when he was still living in the amniotic sac. It was his idea. We couldn't figure out a way to replicate the fluid, but you get the idea:
I feel obligated, for the safety of all individuals concerned, to inform you that we will be having a new (foreign) houseguest residing with us for an extended period of time. When you enter the house, presumably without knocking, do so carefully and without making any sudden movements. When you walk into the living room you may be startled by a very rare specimen known only to the western world as Australianicus Felattium. This particular specimen is known as Steven. He may or may not be wearing pants/underwear when you first meet him. I assure you, it’s nothing personal. Australians just don’t have parents. They emerge from the ground like spores of mold. So they are sometimes oblivious to some of the social mores and folkways that you and I might adhere to.
Keep in mind that Australia itself began as a penal colony. This means that every single one of Australia’s citizens are convicted felons. This is true because mold spores replicate with very little variation in their genetic makeup. Certainly due to mutations there might be one or two in the bunch that isn’t a genetic criminal, but I wouldn’t be the one to test that theory. So always, after an encounter with young Steven, check your wallet or purse, and make sure that you’re still wearing pants. He’s like a ninja of pants thievery. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
Also he has this thing where he insists that he’s not an Aussie, but a Kiwi. He says he’s from New Zealand, not Australia. My logic tells me that if you live in Australia and have an Australian accent, then you’re probably Australian. Feel free to debate Steven on this issue.
Finally, avoid being alone with Steven at all costs. But if you do happen to find yourself alone, and he gives you that eerie silent stare, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. To help in these situations, I’ve enclosed a list of appropriate questions and topics of conversation. Please commit these to memory before entering the house. It could save your life.
What’s the difference between a penile colony and a penal colony, and which one is Australia?
What’s the difference between a Kiwi and an Aussie and does anyone care?
Is it true that the primary food eaten in Australia is human babies?
Are you a wizard?
Are you a Fairy?
Who’s your favorite, Jermaine, Bret, or Murray?
What is the gross domestic product of Australia and how does this play into the politcoeconomic dynamic of the decline of the US Dollar?
Do tattoos hurt?
Why can’t you just talk like a normal person?
Is it true that all Australians are born both drunk and pregnant?
An Aboriginal friend of mine once said that all white people are the devil. Please comment on this statement and use facts to support any assertions.
A recent news report said that Australians pee out of their butts. Please demonstrate.
How does it feel to know that you belong to one of the only developed nations on the planet to have a weaker currency than the US?
Did you cause global warming? Bastard.
Have you ever been bitten by a Dingo or ridden a Koala?
Where do babies come from?
There’s nothing good about what you do or who you are. (This statement is to be made with squinted eyes and an accusational tone to the voice)
Are there toilets in Australia? Then why do you smell like that?
Please describe, in your own words, the basic tenets of String Theory. Be sure to address such quantum mechanical staples such as quarks, spin direction, and electron position in your analysis. If you can’t do that, what do Australians think of Britney Spears?
Feel free to add your own questions to the list. Remember, it could save a life.
