Our world is a bleak, bleak, dark, hopeless, and meaningless place (Merry Christmas, by the way). There is really no debate about that. The sun is trying to kill us. Again, not Jesus but the big fiery celestial body in the sky (redundancy intentional) that scientists claim is farting greenhouse gases at us and choking us all while we drive home from work. I don't even think Jesus can fart. And if he could I'm pretty sure it would be like Febreeze. Then there are corporations who have deliberately taken up the task of inventing the things that, in the past, only existed in the imagination but still used to scare the pants off of people. Things like implantable microchips and little robotic spiders. And worse yet there are
It doesn't look to have any chance of improving any time soon either. The economy is slumping. Pirates are once again pillaging the high seas (that's actually pretty awesome). Unemployment is on the rise. Taco Bell in Costa Rica is way too expensive. Pandas won't bang. It won't rain in Africa. Sonny Bono was killed by a tree while George W. Bush is enjoying his post presidency years at the ranch, completely oblivious to his own legacy. There's never anything on TV except Jersey Shore. A dog that just walked past the window only had three legs. Airlines are going bust and just stranding the shit out of people. Things are bad. I think I've made my point.
On top of all that we fight war after war after war with no end in sight. It doesn't take a genius to see that in the future there will only be two jobs on earth. Politician/diplomat and soldier (all other jobs, including the production of internet pornography, will be done by robot spiders). The only difference between the two choices of available careers in this mid-apocalyptic future is that the diplomats will be ineffective while the soldiers will be ineffective but also die horrifically. So any person with the instinct to protect their offspring will be trying to help their children develop the skills for diplomacy so they at least have a choice. Christmas is an opportunity to do that.
As Winston Churchill once said, "It's better to jaw, jaw, jaw, than war, war, war." I think that's exactly the sentiment the inventors of the next item on the Christmas gift list had in mind when they developed their toy. If you don't care about your kids, just get them a pink rifle. But if you want your son or daughter to have the option of being a persuasive and charismatic
There isn't another item on earth that drives a child deeper into their bullshit shoveling resources than a Frisbee. And since that particular type of shoveling is the exactly what is needed to survive Future America into one's 70's, there shouldn't really be any question about the value of a colorful plastic disc. But since I recognize my readership as intelligent, searching people who don't simply accept things at face value (2pac is still alive) I will provide anecdotal (largely fabricated) evidence (not really) as to what makes the Frisbee such a great preparation tool for Future America. And I will do that... right... now.
The key to this little operation is that you can't buy any other Christmas presents for your future little Kissinger. Because if they get anything other than a Frisbee they will play with that instead and then they will lose a leg in the War on Global Warming or the War on Falling Stock Prices, one of which is bound to be the next in our long line of declared wars on nebulous concepts. Remember when we won the War on Drugs? What a day that was. Maybe if more 4th graders had Frisbees they wouldn't have time to inject smack into their neck veins. I guess that will all be a moot point when we all have microchips in our necks and the government can control what we do with our arms. I think I may have digressed a bit. Anyway...
You have to force your child to develop an emotional bond with the Frisbee the same way elementary schools try to force children to develop an emotional bond with the American flag and fish sticks. Lets just call it what it is. You have to indoctrinate your child to Frisbee love. But remember, this calculated manipulation is for their own good. It helps if you encourage your child to draw a face on the Frisbee and give it a name. You should also set a place for it at the dinner table and make sure your child sleeps with it. From time to time try to set up situations where your child has to compete with the Frisbee a little bit. For example, you could give the Frisbee one extra scoop of ice cream at dessert. Kids hate it when things aren't even. And while initially this will only cause a fight, eventually the child and Frisbee will resolve the issue and it will only bring them closer together.
Once the emotional bond has been formed, it's time to play with the Frisbee. It's best to position your child precariously close to the fence of a particularly grumpy neighbor, preferably old and paranoid. If possible, try and find a neighbor who has an undeserved sense of entitlement and feels that they are owed something by the world even though their only real contribution has been to not miss an episode of the Price is Right since 1972. All that is left is to wait for your kid to throw the Frisbee over the fence. Then you simply tell 'em, "Go get it." If your child has an intrinsic predisposition toward hand-eye coordination and is unlikely to throw the Frisbee over the fence, you can always just chuck it over. Try and make it look convincing, though. And be sure to have a deeply philosophical argument prepared to answer the inevitable question your child will ask, "Why should I have to go get it when you threw it?" The always bulletproof, "Because I said so." should suffice.
This is the part where you get to sit back and enjoy the rewards of parenthood, where you get to witness your child struggling and growing to become a complete and effective person in society. There are a number of ways this scenario can play out. But rest assured that the inventors of the Frisbee, keeping always in mind Churchillian virtues, have thought of that. Your kid might just go to your neighbor's front door and ask to have the Frisbee back. The child will have to use every linguistic trick he knows to try and convince the wholly irrational neighbor to return the Frisbee. If the air is thick with irony, the neighbor may say something like, "Why should I have to get it because you threw it?" Eventually, if you have properly instilled in your child a pathological devotion to the Frisbee, he will talk his way into the house and get the Frisbee. This is the part where vigilant parenting is important, though. If the neighbor is particularly staunch in his refusal to return the toy and your child is particularly prone to violence, someone could get blasted in the face by a lawn gnome. It's your job to show the child that there are always other options, such as breaking and entering (stealthily, of course) or waiting until the neighbor's wife returns since statistics shows that the biggest jerks usually somehow end up married to the nicest ladies. In diplomacy, sometimes patience is important and so is choosing the proper person with whom to negotiate.
Your son may choose to forego negotiations altogether and just jump the fence. If you've done your homework and chosen your neighbor properly, he will either be so paranoid that he performs frequent perimeter checks of the property, will have discovered the Frisbee infraction, and be waiting for someone to come for it. A small, but disproportionately annoying dog in the backyard will also serve to alert the neighbor. As such, there will be a confrontation in the backyard. In some cases this can actually be more beneficial as the child will have to talk his way out of something unexpectedly. Rationalizing and lying on the cuff are the artillery in the diplomatic arsenal.
It won't be long before your child masters the art of retrieving hostages. But as children tend to do, he will be growing up, getting older, and developing a infuriating, smart mouth. The Frisbee, lucky for us all is an evolving concept. And as your child gets older, the functions of the Frisbee will expand to facilitate further development of talking one's way out of things. I can not stress how important it is to develop that initial emotional bond between the child and Frisbee. The effort you put into that will be in proportion to the value garnered from the Frisbee. If when your child is 12 or 13 he opts to hang out with his Frisbee rather than his friends at school, you will know you have performed a minor Christmas miracle. With little other sources of entertainment, he and the Frisbee will go on all kinds of adventures and if luck is smiling upon you, some of these adventures will end in broken windows and calls to the local police. This will serve to up his game, diplomatically speaking, as well as instilling in him a disinclination to be intimidated by authority. Nothing kills a negotiation worse than being dumbstruck by your opponent's power. You will know that your child's training in this area is complete the first time he playfully takes a cop's gun from his holster and then tries to negotiate concessions for it's return. Bonus points if he plays on the police officer's insecurity about being judged by his peers for getting outsmarted by a teenager. Even more points if your son sarcastically mentions something about the officer's glory days of high school football.
So the Frisbee is more than just a piece of plastic. It is a timeless instrument of education and self preservation for a future* which we can no longer avoid. It is a symbol of caring, perhaps unappreciated at the specific moment of gift giving. But when your child becomes an adult and has the benefit of hindsight, in a moment of twilight serenity, he will look back and realize the profundity of what you have done for him. And as he turns out the lights to go to sleep, turns and kisses his Frisbee good night and then nestles his head into the pillow, he will whisper a quiet thank you and fall peacefully to sleep.
*If I'm wrong (unlikely) and careers aren't limited to diplomats and soldiers, Ultimate Frisbee will certainly be a professional sport by then and your child will still be well prepared for success.
