In these trying economic times its important for each and everyone of us to do whatever it takes to secure a financial future and hoard enough money to get weekly acai juice enemas... you know... for the antioxidants. Why not just drink acai enemas, you ask? Because nutrients can be absorbed colorectally, so why not? Fortunately for me I have a profound understanding of the laws of supply and demand, so profound, in fact, that Alan Greenspan once described me as “hyper-scholarly robo-economist 3000 plus.” Drawing upon this knowledge, I have decided that since the market is absolutely saturated with how-to tattoo videos, it is the absolute perfect time for me to make my contribution to the genre. I would explain why this makes sense according to the classical models conveyed by microeconomics, but the nuances that lend this decision its undeniable quality of genius are so sublime, so subtle, so awesome possum, that Adam Smith himself would have a hard time understanding it. It has been said that you have to “strike while the iron is hot,” and right now the iron is taco bell volcano burrito hot. It matters not that access to the burrito iron is obstructed by 153,000 other tattooers releasing videos. The information I intend to present is so essential, so specialized, that no tattooer regardless of degree of experience, skill level, nationality, blood type, religious affiliation, lactose tolerance level, or otherwise can afford to pass up the opportunity to benefit from this splendid presentation. Even if you are an old school tattooer* and you’ve been getting yourself to work for quite some time, you still NEED to see this. And so, for your benefit, I present...
Tattooing with Colten Smith: The Advanced Basics of Tattooing Series: How to Get to Work in the Morning: Pro Edition Anniversary Style with Extra Special Extra Features DeeVeeDee 1
For any tattooer, serious about progressing in the art and trade, this video will revolutionize the way you think about getting up in the morning and getting to work. The DVD will have the same exciting features as all your other favorite “How to Tattoo” DVDs including:
- Crappy production quality guaranteed to impress. People, this is the exact same production value you would expect to get from filming with a $78 instant digital video recorder purchased directly from your local “going out of business” retailer or traded for a tattoo from a guy who said he’s “gotta cousin.” No need for a tripod. This is gritty, in your face, kind of stuff. Take a Dramamine and then get ready to tell all your friends how “artsy” it was... like Cloverfield.
- Plugging of random unnecessary products that were given to me by the companies that made them and who have assured me, without any distinguishable agenda or ulterior motive, that their products are the best on the market. I don’t know why, but I believe them. And you should too... because if it appears in the “flashing magic talking truth box“ then you can be sure that it’s passed through the rigorous fact checking department at the FCC or wherever they make sure that all American media is certified Truth-Compliant.
- Super rad soundtrack composed by my buddy’s girlfriend’s landlord’s ambient/funk/metal/pop/electronica band to be overlaid, or rather middlelaid between the sound of the actual video environment being filmed and the sound of my brilliant, clever, Morgan Freemanesque narration. (As a result of my voice performance on this DVD I’m actually in talks with BBC to narrate the next installment of the Planet Earth series: Planet Universe)
- A large portion of the video dedicated to things like how to apply a stencil, how to set up ink caps, and how to use some kind of inert liquid to create what insiders mysteriously refer to as a “greywash.” Because everyone knows that if you haven’t yet mastered stencil placement and equipment setup, then you’re definitely ready for advanced techniques of tattooing.
- Completely uninspired framing, random cutaways, a complete lack of transitions, and spontaneous camera battery malfunctions that go unnoticed for upwards of a half an hour but still, somehow, detract nothing from the presentation whatsoever.
- False Humility.
- Jokes. Loads of jokes. Some of these will be of the “off the cuff” variety, slightly awkward, and barely pertinent. Others will be jokes that I have written in preparation for my narrative debut, carefully composed after watching my Introduction to DVD Narrating: Writing Good Jokes to Use in Your Narration DVD
- Constant and repetitive warnings about how this DVD is not intended for “scratchers.” This dissuasion technique has been proven by psychologists with large group, double blind, controlled scientific studies to be an effective deterrent against “scratchers.” Viewers who fall in this category turned on the DVD with the expressed and clear intent of stealing all the sweet stencil placement knowledge, realize that they themselves are the “scratchers” in question, then obediently, and with stoic integrity, cease viewing, turn off the DVD, erase everything they learned from their brains via the “ excess Gamma Hydroxy Butanol metabolic pathway,” feed the DVD to their dog, and throw their DVD player from no less than an 8 story window everytime 60% of the time (I also received an award for how awkward that run on sentence was). Seriously, documented science confirms it, the deterrent, not the run-on sentence.
- Constant and repetitive pleading against the replication or distribution of the DVD on the internet or among friends with the unspoken but undeniable implication that “Everyone should pay me 100 bucks for this hastily assembled production which is nothing more than the repackaging of information in spite of the fact that I can claim absolutely no ownership to the ideas and techniques presented, the publishing of which would have earned me a nice set of broken hands 40 years ago... But I’ve won some tat showdown trophies and been in a couple magazines so you owe me.” Oh yeah... no scratchers. But seriously, acai enemas aren’t cheap. So even if your mom wants to watch the video for five minutes just because she wants to feign an interest in what you do, make her purchase her own copy... even though I download all my shit off the internet. But this is different than when I do it. So hypocrisy is merited.
- Gratuitious consumption of alcohol in celebration of god knows what.
- A firm commitment that if you just email me with any questions or ideas and enter the registration code found on the DVD, I’ll get back to you with tons of personalized tips and constructive criticism in appreciation for all the support you’ve shown. Except I won’t. At all. Ever. Don’t email me. It just goes to my spam box.
Other things on this DVD not found in other DVDs
- Step by step demonstration of how to win a “tatski trophy” every single time you go to a tattoo tournament otherwise known as a tattoo showdown, or a tatting championship, or a tattoo track meet depending on your local. (Actually, I’ll give this one away for free. To vastly improve your odds, just do tattoos that possess a questionable quality of longevity and add the words “BLANK rocks“ where ”BLANK“ equals the name of the city in which the tattoo match is being held or the name of the shop that is responsible for the convention.) To my knowledge, I’ve never won any trophies myself. But I know people who have. And they’ve graciously offered their consulting to guarantee the accuracy of this portion of the film.
- Irrefutable evidence that the fall of the twin towers was the result of a US government conspiracy and that David Hasselhoff got a raw deal and should have been THE American Icon of our generation, also a US government conspiracy.
BUT WAIT!!!!! You’re not getting just one DVD, you’re getting a shitload of DVDs. Actually, in all honesty you’re just getting one DVD with several different selections capable of being made. But it sounds cooler to make it seem like these things are extra. For some reason it appeals to the average consumer to feel as though they are getting something for nothing. But I digress. These selections include but are not limited to:
- Getting to work
- Getting to work hung over
- Getting to work hung over on a bike
- Getting to work using public transportation
- Getting a ride from your girlfriend to work with and without having to make her breakfast
- Getting to work Sunday drunk
- Getting to work Tuesday drunk
- Getting to work Tuesday drunk without pissing your pants
- Getting to work ”I loved my girlfriend with all my heart and she repaid me by boinking the lawn guy last Wednesday” drunk
- Getting to work late and making sure the boss doesn’t notice/ doesn’t get mad about it if he does notice
- Getting to work while eating a street vendor falafel with your eyes closed
- How to smuggle alcohol onto a cruise ship
- How to locate a dead rat in a wall on a warm summer day
- Swine Flu and you: How to survive the impending onslaught
- How to spot chicks with dicks, visual and tactile methods will be covered
- How to apply a tattoo stencil: Do’s and dont’s (Reminder: DVD for established advanced tattooers only)
So if you really want to up your game, then do yourself a favor and watch this DVD repeatedly until the information becomes second nature much like tying your shoe or beating your heart. It will revolutionize the way you tattoo and dare I say, with the utmost false modesty, the whole face of the industry. I’m not going to insult you by charging $250 for the DVD. Instead, what I’m going to do is post it on Youtube. And if you watch it, you owe me ten bucks... each time. Have a conscience, don’t be a dick about it, and m*****f***ing pay me. You can send check, money order, or cash to my email. No credit cards because those banks are the same ones that contributed to the downfall of the Hoff
As new information becomes available, updates will be posted concerning new developments on the progress of the DVD, as well as any new special features that are added at the last minute to inject further value into this already priceless product. This video is like the high fructose corn syrup of the tattoo world. And we all know that human beings can’t survive without high fructose corn syrup. Thank god for modern food processing, and thank god that I had the foresight to develop, produce, and release a work of artful instruction so essential to an entire community. Honestly, I’m surprised we’ve all survived this long without it.
And look out for my next DVD: Tattooing with Colten Smith: The Advanced Basics of Tattooing Series: How to Get a Piece of the Burgeoning How to Tattoo DVD Market Pie: Mega Rad Edition One.
I can almost taste the acai butt juice now. I’m gonna be so f***ing rich! And you're gonna be so f***ing good at tattooing! Win-win.
*The use of the term “old school tattooer” used to refer to a certain style of tattooing and possibly even a loose set of personal characteristics or values generally held by the person referred to as “old school.” Now it just means that you’ve been in the game more than two years and use black ink in your shading schematic... even if it’s a tattoo of a blender with tribal buttons mixing up a GI Joe and a spark plug.
